Tag: Why me?

**Note: this is a lengthy post, so please get comfortable and I hope you can stay awhile.

Perhaps you have encountered this numerous times in your life, and/or you are in fact experiencing this right at this very moment.  Or perhaps you know someone who is going through an extremely troublesome period and has shared these very same questions with you.

Are you or someone you love suffering from a job loss? A serious physical illness or new diagnosis? The loss of a loved one(s)? Mental illness (ie. Depression, anxiety, etc.)? Addiction? Divorce? Abuse? A failing marriage? Struggling to find the right partner? Infertility? Miscarriage? Disability? Debt? Not having enough money? Isolation?

Whatever it is, the unimaginable has happened and you are faced with feelings of hopelessness, fear, anger, failure, frustration, worry, anxiety, angst, not being in control, sadness, depression, despair, pain, heartache, or isolation. You have come to the realization that you are suffering from something that you have never asked for and didn’t deserve. I think it’s also worth mentioning here that each person has their own individual experience and reality of what suffering means and is to them.  Suffering is an experience caused by physical and/or emotional pain.

There are examples of suffering all throughout the Bible dating back to Adam and Eve. Both disobeyed God and so Eve (women) had to suffer the pain of pregnancy and giving birth and Adam (men) had to struggle to grow food on soil that God had cursed (Genesis 3: 1-24). Joseph, Jacob’s son, was sold into slavery, wrongfully accused for raping Potiphar’s wife and was thrown into prison (Genesis 37: 18-39:19). Job was a righteous and blameless man who suffered from awful events: his animals were stolen, his farmhands were killed, he lost all of his sheep and shepherds, his camels were stolen and servants were killed; and all of his children died from their house collapsing on top all of them (Job 1-2: 6). Suffering also occurred in the New Testament: a woman suffered from bleeding for twelve years (Matthew 9: 20-22) or a sick man who could not walk laid by the pool of Bethesda for thirty-eight years waiting to be healed (John 5: 1-15).

The most important example of suffering is Jesus. Jesus was brought into this world to save us and right from the beginning it was a difficult road for him.  He was born in a dark and cold stable and he only had strips of cloth to keep him warm (Luke 2: 6-7). Many years later, Jesus was crowned with thorns, mocked, spat on, and struck on the head with a stick. He was literally beaten and had to carry his own heavy cross to the crucifixion site before he was nailed to and died on the cross for our sins (Matthew 27: 27-45). Jesus suffered the physical agony but he also suffered the emotional pain from taking on the sins of the world that was heavier than the cross itself. Jesus, who died for us, is both human and divine.  Jesus knew the emotional and physical pain associated with suffering.

My journey to truly get to know God started when I encountered the painful experience of not being able to get pregnant. My husband and I had tried to conceive naturally but were met with disappointment after disappointment month after month. I got worried. Specialist appointments led us down the path of invasive assessments and tests, oral and injectable hormones, intrauterine inseminations (IUIs), in-vitro fertilizations (IVF) and multiple frozen embryo transfers—not to mention the amount of time off work and money spent on each procedure. Each excruciating two week wait post procedure was followed by empty negative pregnancy results and unbearable heartache. I became discouraged, resentful and angry. I felt like a failure and started to explore the concept of ‘is life was really worth living’?  I started to isolate myself from others around me including my husband. Most of all, I became angry with God and those very same questions came to my mind. I questioned Him. Why me God? Why would you make me suffer like this? I did everything right.  I made sure I took my meds on time, avoided and ate the right food, drank Chinese herbs to promote pregnancy, I even tried acupuncture! Still no baby. Looking back, this is the furthest I have ever been from God. My heart felt empty and I truly felt alone.

Which leads us back to ask, why?

I think the answer lies in my next question: Why not?

Why not me? My perspective on suffering was all about me and centred around my needs and not about what God wanted for me. My perspective focused on me and what God does (or does not do) instead of who God is.

I didn’t realize that God had His own plan for me. My husband and I decided to pursue international adoption.  After more appointments with doctors, a social worker, lawyer, endless paperwork and documents to be filled, fingerprints, and multiple trips to the bank we were finally added to a waitlist for a baby in South Korea. We waited close to two years to receive “the call” that we have been waiting so long and hard for.  It was a cold night in February—February 8, 2010 to be exact, I went out on a run feeling discouraged once again. Out of nowhere I burst into tears and literally cried out loud to God, “I am right here, please hear me, I am right here!” At that very moment I never felt so alone and so helpless. My outburst caught me off-guard and I had looked around hoping no one heard me and thought I was crazy.  I continued on my run and on my way home and unexpectedly I saw a blue heron fly away in the darkness.  I thought it was strange but carried on. The next day came around and coincidentally we received the call that we could fly to South Korea and pick up our baby boy. After receiving that call, I knew then I wasn’t alone after all. The blue heron was no coincidence.  God was with me and sent me that blue heron as a sign. What is even more powerful is I that have come to the realization that even after I left God, He never once left me.

God is an awesome God.  He created the universe. He created life.

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

Revelation 22: 13

Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Who kept the sea inside its boundaries as it burst from the womb, and as I clothed it with clouds and wrapped it in thick darkness? Have you ever commanded the morning to appear and cause the dawn to rise in the east?

Job 38: 4, 8-9, 12

If I cannot even come close to understand how God created the earth who am I to question God for what happens in my life. God existed from the beginning and will continue until after the end.  Instead of focusing on the great and amazing things in my life, I chose to focus on what I didn’t have.

God has a plan for us all.

Like a parent, God was trying to teach me and use me for His purpose.

The Lord will work out His plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.  Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

Psalm 138: 8

In moments of despair we must run to God and not run away like I did.

Despite Joseph’s struggle in prison, God stirred the heart of the prison warden and favoured Joseph.  He then was let out of prison and the Pharaoh granted Joseph authority to be in charge of all of Egypt (Genesis 39: 19- 41: 42). God was always with Joseph. The woman who suffered from bleeding for twelve years had the faith to reach out and touch Jesus’ robe and was instantly healed (Matthew 9: 20-22). Through Jesus’ authority, Jesus told the lame man of thirty-eight years to get up and walk and just like that, he got up and walked (John 5: 8).  Elizabeth and Zechariah were righteous people, were unable to conceive, but were faithful to God. Despite being old, God heard their prayer and they were able to give birth to a son, John (Luke 1: 5-13). God’s plan for John was to prepare the people to lead them to God.

My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

God wants us to grow and perhaps may want us to experience life’s challenges to help others.  Today, I am open to speaking about our infertility struggles and want to eliminate the stigma that is tied to infertility. Most of all, I heard God’s calling to grow closer to him so that I can spread His word.

My hope is that you will be inspired to deepen your relationship with Him. Instead of the focus on “why is there suffering”, let’s turn it into “God is awesome”.  It’s not about what God does but about who He is.

Dear God, may the Holy Spirit continue to transform our hearts to grow closer to you. Because of you we are forgiven and we are loved. Help us to see that it’s not about what you can do for us but rather it’s about who you are. You are amazing, loving, forgiving, compassionate and kind. We praise you for all the good things in life and we praise you for the challenges. May we seek comfort under your wing when we endure pain and may we be reminded that you are always with us.