Mother’s Day is a day that stirs up a lot of emotions within me.  Over the years this day has built layers upon layers of various feelings in my heart. Like rings within a tree trunk so is my heart marked with rings of happiness, despair, joy and sadness. Perhaps this may the same for you. On this day, someone is remembering a mother they have lost or a mother they have never met. There are some who are mothers but cannot hold their child because their child is no longer here on earth. There are women who choose not to have children and struggle with the world’s pressure and false expectation that motherhood defines a woman. There are women who are stigmatized with infertility who long to have a child but God has said not yet. There are mothers who are raising children with a disability and/or mental illness. There are single mothers, birth mothers and foster mothers each trying to juggle their own emotions of what this day represents for them. Every woman is different and will experience this day differently and in their own way.

The meaning of Mother’s Day changed for me for good was during the year my husband and I found ourselves in the deepest valley of infertility. This was thirteen years ago and I must admit, Mother’s Day was not the day that I was glad and rejoicing in. Each month of seeing the one lonely line instead of two brought me indescribable pain, profound heartache and utter disappointment. The infamous “two-week-wait” (aka 2WW) was tormenting for me and I was full of angst. I did everything right: I ate the right food, exercised regularly and lived my life according to time, calendar days and when my basal body temperature peaked. All my life I was taught that if I worked hard in everything I do my hard work would pay off.  I thought this applied with pregnancy and so each month, even though I worked hard, I felt like an utter failure. In hindsight, I have learned that doing everything right does not guarantee a child.

During this time of trying to conceive I realized that the more I tried to take control the more I grew further away from God. I was resentful and angry with God. Worst yet, I doubted Him. Why would God allow me to suffer this way? Why would He allow other women to get pregnant and not me? What have I done wrong? I look to Hannah’s story in 1 Samuel and I can relate to Hannah’s tears because she too was unable to have a child.

I felt like a failure when other women around me were getting pregnant. In 1 Samuel 1:6 “Peninnah would taunt Hannah and make fun of her because the Lord had kept her from having children.” In fact, in addition to God I resented other pregnant women around me.  Often women would share openly that they hardly tried and each time I heard those words my heart was stung.  I wished I had the grace like Elizabeth when she visited Mary for the first time.

“Elizabeth gave a glad cry and exclaimed to Mary, ‘God has blessed you above all women and your child is blessed.’ “

Luke 1: 42

Instead of being happy for the women around me, I was filled with anger, rage and envy. I write this not to make others feel bad but I share this because I am living proof of where one can end up if their faith is fragile.  Looking back evidently I was not in a good place.  My faith was extremely weak and I saw God as someone who did things for me rather seeing Him for who He is. I thought if I prayed hard enough or did certain things He would give me a child.  The longing and desperation of wanting to get pregnant became my idol. It has taken me years to realize that I needed to repair my relationship with God and it only has been in the recent years that I have started to build my relationship with Him.

Our season of infertility took us through failed IUIs and IVF procedures followed by acupuncture and drinking Chinese herbal teas all of which drained our bank accounts.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, God then led us through the door of adoption. This door took us through social worker appointments, more medical testing, fingerprinting and financial scrutiny—you’d think we were criminals. He called us to adopt a baby in South Korea and so we did. We were grateful to adopt one child and just when I had thought we figured everything out, God had a bigger plan for us.  Almost two years after our first adoption, God called us to adopt another.

Somewhere around the world I am connected to a woman whom I have never met because we share our two sons. I think of her often and especially on Mother’s Day. In fact for each of our adoptions we travelled to South Korea around Mother’s Day. This woman made the decision to give her two babies to complete strangers in faith that they will be taken care of.  That to me is deep love and humility. I think no less of her and in fact the opposite. On Mother’s Day I remind my boys to remember their Tummy Mummy and we pray for her often.  I remind them that we don’t always get what we want or when we want but rather in God’s perfect timing.

I realize that now through my season of suffering, being in the deepest valley of infertility and the wait for adoption I am meant to reach out and comfort others.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1: 3-5)

Perhaps, God meant for me to undergo such suffering in order for me to grow closer to Him. This was His plan for me so that I may write about this in hopes to comfort others.

Friend <Your Name Here>, whether it’s today, tomorrow or in the future I pray that on Mother’s Day (and each day) that the Holy Spirit will come upon you to celebrate that This is the day the Lord Has Made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it (Psalms 118:24).   During times of sadness and despair we can still be joyful and be comforted through Jesus. He took on our sins, carried His cross and died for us.  He knows our suffering.  If today reminds you of pain I have faith that God will have the last say and He will make it right for you, if not here on earth, it will be made right in heaven. Or if you know someone who may struggle on this day pray for her. Lord, may you bring comfort and peace in every woman’s heart.

Justine, Writer of The Scarlet Rope

To read more on my thoughts about suffering, click here.

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