Now when I say forgiveness is hard for me I’m not talking about those moments when my ever-so-loving husband has “accidentally” stolen my addictive Burtsbees chapstick for the 10^th time. In those moments, of desperately needing it, when I realize that it has magically disappeared I must admit that my head tilts slightly (a common sign of my annoyance levels peaking a little) and I experience a subtle blood simmer, not a boil but a simmer. Over the years I have learned to purse my dry chapped lips shut, breathe deeply, shake it off and let it go.

There’s even those calm sunny day mornings when I am driving to work and out of the blue, someone decides to cut me off only to get one car ahead with the end result of leaving me behind at a red light while the F1 car racer continues on their merry way. Forgivable? This one’s debateable right?

I’m referring to those situations in my life when I have been so deeply hurt, betrayed or felt like the rug was just suddenly pulled out from under me. I have been lied to, wrongfully accused, judged, and broken hearted. The hurt is so painful I get overwhelmed with so many emotions of sadness, anger, frustration, bitterness and resentment. After many tears and deep heart ache I ask myself how on earth am I ever able to forgive this person.

As I continue to deepen my relationship with the Lord, I have been more mindful to remember to talk to Him more often. The first thing I do when I ask myself the question of how I am going to forgive, is pray.

Then he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit.  If you forgive anyone’s sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”

John 20: 22-23

I ask the Holy Spirit to transform my heart, soften it not harden it, and help me to forgive. Only the Holy Spirit can stir hearts. If God was able to stir the heart of King Cyrus of Persia to allow the Jews to return from exile (Ezra 1: 1-3) then He too has the true power to stir my heart to forgive.

Secondly, I look at what can I do to control my own behaviour as I cannot control the behaviour of others.

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord. Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

Romans 12: 17-21

I for sure must not cut off the person who cut me off that sunny morning. I also must not lie about the person who lied about me. I must not wrongfully accuse that person who wrongfully accused me.  I must not judge that person back who judged me.  I must not break the heart of the person who broke my heart first. But how? Easier said than done right?

To be fair, I must look at how I personally contributed to the situation.

“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. Luke 6: 41-42

I have to be able to take accountability for my own words and actions or even the lack thereof that I personally have contributed over time that has led both of us to such hurt. One book that I have found helpful in having heart-to-heart conversations with others is called, “Crucial Conversations”.  It has allowed me to effectively communicate my perspective without having the other party feel threatened.

Most importantly, I refer to the Bible. So, what do the Scriptures tell me about forgiveness?

There are of course examples of forgiveness throughout the Bible that we can refer to for encouragement. The most important example is Jesus dying on the cross for our sins.

So Christ has now become the High Priest over all the good things that have come. He has entered that greater, more perfect Tabernacle in heaven, which was not made by human hands and is not part of this created world.

Hebrews 9: 11

In fact, within the Our Father we ask God to forgive us as we forgive those to trespass against us. This is also written in Luke 11: 4, “And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”

There was also Joseph who was sold to slavery by his own brothers and was sent to prison for a crime he did not commit and despite all of that he was still able to forgive his brothers.

But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.  No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them.

Genesis 50: 19-21

Which leads me to ask myself the question, what is God trying to teach me in this challenging situation?  You may also want to visit my blog about listening to God’s voice: God, is That You? if you’re interested. What lesson is He trying to show me that is even deeper than the act of forgiveness itself?  Like Joseph, perhaps God is using me and/or the other person to fulfill His purpose.

I think it’s also important to remind myself to take a look in the mirror when I find it difficult to forgive.  I too have sinned. I too have hurt others. I have said mean things.  I have committed mean things. Just as Jesus said to the crowd who were about to stone a woman who was caught in the act of adultery in John 8: 7, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” I ask myself if I can truly and rightfully throw that first stone. You and I both know that’s a hard no.

You may also ask that if I keep forgiving and forgiving, does it make me a pushover? Or if I continue to forgive over time am I just enabling the transgressor?

 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

Matthew 18: 21-22

I do draw the line at emotional and physical abuse and do not condone it either.

“This is the new covenant I will make
    with my people on that day, says the Lord:
I will put my laws in their hearts,
    and I will write them on their minds.” Then he says, “I will never again remember
    their sins and lawless deeds.”  And when sins have been forgiven, there is no need to offer any more sacrifices.

Hebrews 10: 16-18

Just as Jesus has forgiven my sins He also forgets.

When I have done everything humanly possible to pray, control my own behaviours, I must remember to pray for my transgressor. May God stir their heart too to see and hear my perspective. Perhaps they too are hurting and suffering and need time to heal. May God show them how to take accountability. Perhaps God is teaching them a life lesson and one that they will come to understand in His own timing.

Sometimes, I just have to simply forgive and walk away and trust that God is handling it.

Psalm 51: 1-7

Have mercy on me, O God,
    because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
    blot out the stain of my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt.
    Purify me from my sin.
 For I recognize my rebellion;
    it haunts me day and night.
 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
    I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
    and your judgment against me is just.
 For I was born a sinner—
    yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
 But you desire honesty from the womb,
    teaching me wisdom even there.

 Purify me from my sins,and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

May God grant you peace in your heart to forgive yourself and especially those who have wronged you. May He stir your heart and may He stir theirs. May we continue to have faith in His purpose rather than our needs and our ego. May we love others just as God love us unconditionally.

Justine, writer of The Scarlet Rope